Funtanic
by Abby Normal
Summary: Three shorties. 1our heroes get a little help from everyone's favorite Austrian, 2it's Kate and Leo again! but they ain't Jack and Rose, and 3Kevin Smith hence the R ratingdon't forget to read the sequel!


I don't own any of the characters yadda yadda yadda, and I certainly don't own any of the real people in here. I'm sorry if I screwed up their personalities. In fact I know I did. I know don't them. But everything in here I completely mocked I'm actually a big fan of. So here's three little spoofs I hope you enjoy.   
  
A HAPPY ENDING  
  
Jack and Rose lay dying in the waters of the North Atlantic.  
  
Rose: I love you, Jack.  
Jack: No, don't say your goodbyes Rose. Don't you give up. Don't do it.  
Rose: I'm so cold.  
Jack: You're going to get out of this-  
  
The water next to them begins to bubble. And the head of Arnold Schwarzenegger slowly rises out of the water.  
  
Jack and Rose stare in shock.  
  
Ah-nuld: I'll help you.  
  
He picks Jack up and places him on top of the board next to Rose. He lifts the board up over his head and moves as if he's only in 5 feet of water and walks towards the lifeboats carrying his new friends.  
  
He dumps our heroes safely into a lifeboat. The other passengers look on in shock and terror.  
  
After they're settled in. Jack and Rose pull themselves closer to each other.  
  
Rose: We don't know how to thank you.  
Ah-nuld: There is no need to thank me. These will keep you warm.  
  
He throws them a couple of Terminator 3 t-shirts and walks back toward the disaster area.  
  
Jack: Thank you again. (gives him a little salute)  
Ah-nuld: I have more lives to save now.  
  
Everyone in the lifeboat waves him goodbye. He proceeds to rescue everyone in the water and places them in to lifeboats. Then he disappears into the water again and comes back up with both halves of the ship. He duct tapes it back together and somehow brings back all the people that had already died. Everyone is then loaded back onto the Titanic.  
Before he leaves he picks up Cal by the hair.  
  
Ah-nuld: You have wronged my friends.  
Cal: Ahhhh…!  
  
He throws him far off into the water and then disappears himself. Rose, Jack, Fabrizio, Tommy and Cora have a happy reunion up on deck. They are seen smiling and laughing.  
  
Fabrizio: Now what? A musical number?   
  
Then the music from the song "Tomorrow" begins to play. Little Cora opens her mouth to sing. Jack, Rose, Fabri and Tommy all cringe in terror. The music stops.  
  
Cora: Just kidding!   
  
They all sigh in relief.  
  
Tommy: Don't do that again!  
Cora: You really thought I was going to do it, didn't you?  
  
Everyone smiles and laughs.  
  
The End.  
  
THE WRONG CHARACTERS  
(Winslet and DiCaprio find themselves stuck in their other alter egos. This may be easier to understand if you've seen "Heavenly Creatures" and/or "What's Eating Gilbert Grape.")  
  
Juliet Hulme and Arnie Grape are standing on the deck of the RMS Titanic.  
  
Juliet: I hope we're not going to the Bahamas. It's bloody awful there.  
Arnie: I'm hungry. I wanna go home now. Are you still gonna come to my birthday party?  
Juliet: Shut up stupid.  
Arnie: Stop it! (starts crying)  
Juliet: Bloody baby. Come on. Let's have some fun.  
  
She leads to the railing at the very front of the ship.   
  
Arnie: What are we doing?  
Juliet: Close your eyes.  
Arnie: Okay.  
  
She steps back a bit, but then comes in closer.  
  
Juliet: (sings) There's a light in her eyes though she may try to hide it…(is a about to push him when she spots something in the distance)  
  
Arnie: What's that big white thing?  
Juliet: Idiot! I told you not to open your eyes!  
Arnie: (with growing frustration) Juliet, what is it?!  
  
They both step back.  
  
Juliet: (in awe) Look Arnie…(points) I think the Fourth World is opening up before us!  
  
Well, she's dead wrong. The ship hits the ICEBERG and sinks. Later Juliet and Arnie are amongst the debris of the wreck. Juliet sits on top of a board telling Arnie a story while he hangs on to the board chest deep in freezing cold water.  
  
Juliet: And so in a blazing fury Charles runs Lancelot Trelawney through with his sword…  
Arnie: It's cold Gilbert!  
Juliet: You may call me either Deborah or Juliet you rotten little turd!  
Arnie: There's room up there. Let me up!  
Juliet: No it's my board. I got here first (sticks out her tongue) I wish Paul were here. She's much more fun than you are.  
Arnie: I could go at any time. Any time.   
Juliet: Now where was I? Ah, yes…  
  
Fade out.  
The End.  
  
HOLLYWOOD HAD IT COMING  
All brilliant minds go crazy eventually. Cameron makes his Titanic sequel a Dark Angel crossover and uses cruel forms of torture to force his stars to reprise their roles. Then they turn on him. They make friends with some of the View Askewniverse gang.  
  
After the success of "Bluntman and Chronic" the dynamic duo and some of their friends have made a hobby of breaking into movie sets and crashing them (because they had so much fun the last time).  
  
It's late at night and Jay and Silent Bob head are heading down the street towards a burning studio lot. They enter through the gate of a high chain link fence.  
  
Jay: Snoogans. We found it. (looks around) What the fuck kind of movie is this? Where are all the people?  
Bob shrugs  
Jay: Hey guys! In here!  
  
Holden McNeil, Brodie Bruce and Justice run into the lot.  
  
Holden: This is retarded. We should leave.  
Brodie: What the hell happened here?   
Jay: It's a big budget action movie. You need all these flames and special effects and shit, cocksmokers.  
Holden: Where are all the people?  
Justice: Everywhere. Look…bodies.  
  
Silence among the group.  
  
Jay: What the shit is this?! Let's blow this place!  
Justice: This looks like something out of a Terminator movie.  
  
An empty gasoline container flies through the air and lands at their feet.  
  
Bob points ahead.  
  
They see a gigantic model of a luxury ocean liner in a gigantic water tank, both aflame.  
  
Jay picks up the sign formally hanging on the fence.  
  
Jay: "Studio lot. 'Lusitania' Do not enter."   
  
Three flaming objects fly towards them. One is the Heart of the Ocean prop. One is a wig with red curls. And the other is an arrow with a note attached to it.   
  
Holden picks up the note and reads it.  
  
Holden: "Refuse to do stupid fucking sequel. Terminators in World War One my arse."  
  
Two figures run up to them fleeing in terror. It's Jessica Alba and Michael Weatherly of TV's "Dark Angel!"   
  
Michael: Please help us!  
Jessica: Get out while you still can!   
Michael: Everyone just went crazy! They killed Jim!  
  
Bob covers the huddling pair with his jacket. And comforts them. Isn't he sweet?!  
  
Holden finds another piece of paper on the ground and picks it up.  
  
Justice: What is it?  
Holden: It's the treatment.  
Brodie: Read it.  
Holden: " 'Titanic 2: Lusitania.' After traveling back to ancient times and saving the world Max and Logan discover they've altered the course of history. An aging Brock Lovett hires them to retrieve the Heart of the Ocean. So they travel back to 1915. The world is engaged in a *high tech* war complete with European terminators and other machines they didn't expect to find there. Max and Logan find themselves on the other doomed ship. Which is then torpedoed by a German *nuclear* submarine. Little do they know that Hockley Steel has engineered the most powerful killing machine ever and has unleashed it on the earth. Now it's up to Max, Logan, 20 year-old Rose and her reconstructed lover Jack (who turn out to become Logan's great-great-grandparents) to save the world. Arnold Schwarzenegger to make cameo as the Kaiser"   
Jay: What?!  
Jessica and Michael: We know.  
Holden: Apparently George Lucas isn't the only director in Hollywood to lose it.  
Justice: Let's get out of here. This place is a war zone.  
Brodie: Yes the British are coming and it looks like she brought her American boy bitches with her. Un-fucking-believable. (points)  
Jessica: Don't look her directly in the eyes!  
  
Three silhouettes appear on the horizon with flames behind them. A woman and two men. Out of nowhere U2's "Elevation" blasts at full volume. Everyone looks around confused to see where the music's coming from. They walk rhythmically with the music. Although there's not the slightest breeze wind triumphantly blows in the hair of Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Billy Zane. As they come closer you can see the expressions vengeance on their faces only actors can make. They stop in front of Jay, Bob, Justice, Brodie, Holden, Jessica, and Michael.  
  
Jessica: Don't kill us!  
Michael: We didn't do anything!  
Bob smiles and nods at the newcomers.  
Kate: You have nothing to worry about. You didn't do anything wrong. Jim ruined the integrity of his own stories. Something had to be done.  
Jessica: You didn't have to torch the entire cast and crew.  
Kate: I know. That was just venting frustration at having to stand in cold water in a chiffon dress for several months. And when I wasn't I was either naked or in a bloody corset.  
Jay: (noticing the black jumpsuits worn by Kate and Jessica) Hey Justice they stole your clothes. (to Kate) Are you gonna do some of that lesbian shit like in Heavenly Creatures and Holy Smoke? (starts making obscene gestures)   
Brodie: (to Leo and Billy) So which one you is Bosley?  
Leo: Hey wait a minute it's Bluntman and Chronic!   
Billy: Yeah! Jay and Silent Bob!  
Leo: You guys rule!  
Bob gives them an enthusiastic nod.  
Jay: See the true artists like us. Nooch. But you should've just made the movie. Me and Silent Bob tried to stop the Bluntman and Chronic movie because they didn't ask our permission, and dumb internet fucks were saying bad shit about us, but we got mad cash on the royalty checks.   
  
Leo pulls off the metal mask half-covering his face and points to his eye. Billy pulls the red contact out of his eye.  
  
Billy: You think we didn't get more money than we deserved from "Titanic" and all the other movies we were in after that just because we were in "Titanic."  
Jay: It still fun to kick their asses anyway right.  
Billy: Yeah. Yeah I guess you're right.  
Leo: (pointing to Kate stomping on the necklace and the wig) She's usually super calm. I mean she just lost it.  
Kate: (in the background) Bloody fucking bastards!!  
Bob: But you are right. Some movies just shouldn't made.  
Billy: We heard Silent Bob talk! He is wise.  
Jay: (to Leo) Did you really kick the asses of all those people at the MTV awards?   
Leo: No, but next we're going to storm Hollywood and get revenge. Wanna come?  
Jay: Yeah!  
Brodie: Cue the music.  
  
They cue the music.  
  
Jay: Yeah!   
Brodie: Hollywood destroyed by the stars of the biggest Hollywood movie ever. Cruel irony. I like it.  
Billy: That's the idea.  
Holden: Then let's go already.  
Kate: It's payday boys.  
  
She high kicks the gate and it flies open.  
  
Billy, Kate and Leo walk off. They come back speeding by in a fast vintage sports car. They come to a short stop, wheels screeching.  
  
Kate: Get in!  
  
Jay, Bob, Justice, Holden, Brodie, Jessica and Michael squeeze into the back seat.  
  
Jay: (to Bob) Now this is what I call a real fuckin' party.  
Bob smiles and nods.  
  
Kate, Leo & Billy: Snoogans!!!!!!!  
  
Jay: Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! (to Justice) Right Boobookittyfuck?  
Bob shakes his head.  
  
Billy slams on the gas. More wheel screeching.  
  
Jay: Hey any of you guys ever been in Ben Affleck's trailer?  
  
First the gang stops at a Los Angeles Mooby World for breakfast and then tears apart all the major studio headquarters. Then Kate, Leo, and Billy go to the homes of the online movie critics who trashed Titanic and beat the hell out of them.  
  
The End. 


End file.
